NOT A
CULT*
(kinda)
◆ The Die Clean Manifesto ◆

We're BuyingBig Soap

One bar at a time. Help us replace the chemical cartel with something you'd actually let your kid lick.

(please don't actually)

↓ watch this first ↓

◆ Step Two ◆

Sign The Pact.

takes 4 seconds. legally* binding.

Binding*
Form DC-001 // Conspirator IntakeRev. 4.1

The Hostile Takeover Pact

I, the undersigned bather, pledge consumer allegiance to Die Clean in its operation against Big Soap, and swear to the following terms:

  • I.I will bathe loudly and without apology.
  • II.I renounce petroleum-grade fillers and any soap that shares an ingredient list with industrial degreaser.
  • III.I will recruit at least one (1) fellow bather to the cause when the signal is given.
  • IV.I accept my permanent designation as a Conspirator and will carry my ID with appropriate menace.
  • V.I understand that this pact is binding for the duration of my showering career, with no take-backs.*
◆ Conspirator Ballot // Optional

Once we acquire their headquarters, your vote helps decide what it becomes:

✗ Signature Of ConspiratorDated: 07/26/2026

✉ Contact Address

Witnessed by the office of Die Clean, in perpetuity.

what you get ↓

01

15% off your next order

02

conspirator id for life

03

first dibs on drops

◆ The Fine Print ◆

The Hostile Takeover Pact is a satirical pledge of consumer loyalty. It is not a securities agreement, contract for equity, or instrument of actual corporate takeover. No souls, organs, or legal rights are transferred. It just means you're with us.